Christmas and New Year

My angle in heaven,

I really missed you on Christmas day. I kept thinking all day about what it would be like to have a two month old to take care of and was missing it. I imagined helping you unwrap your presents while you tried eating the paper or playing with the noisy toys. I could see your siblings fighting over who was going to hold you and help with you. I know you had a great Christmas day in heaven with Jesus and our family members. I know everyone was spoiling you, I just wished that you could have been spoiled down here. I know that New Years will come and go but you will still be on my mind. I hope you are having fun up there angle, just don't forget mommy down here. I love and miss you angel.

Your mommy

8 months

Precious angel,

I can't believe it is to the 8 month mark. It doesn't seem possible. I wish you were here everyday. I cant help but keep thinking that I would have a baby to take care of if you wouldn't have left. I know your have fun in heaven but I'd rather have you here and taking care of you. I still have trouble looking at babies that were born around the time you were supposed to be without tearing up. It makes me think about you and the baby you would have been. Everytime I feel your sister move, I dream or think about you since I missed out on it with you. My angel I love and miss you everyday. Keep watching down on me.

Your mommy

Thanksgiving

Precious angel,

I hope you had a great first thanksgiving in heaven. I missed you bad that day my angel. I kept thinking about what it would have been like to take care of you like I should have been doing. I know the family would have spoiled you and you would have loved it. I know that you are being spoiled up in heaven everyday but it isn't the same thing. I'd rather have you here instead of there. I wanted to be able to take care of you and get to know the precious baby you would have become. I wanted to watch you grow up and make me proud of the adult you would have become. I dream about you and everything I know you would have done or accomplished. Every time I feel your sister move and kick, it warms my heart because I think of you and what it would have felt like to feel you do that inside me. I feel robbed because I didn't get that far with you or even have the chance to hold and love on you. I love and miss you my angel.

Your mommy

7 months

My Dearest Kennedy,

I know I'm a couple days late posting but your on my mind every day. I can't help but to wish that you were here instead of in heaven. I have dreams about what it would have been like to be taking care of you and watching you grow up. Your due date came and went which was hard that day and that weekend. I keep thinking that I should have a newborn to take care of instead of mourning your loss. Your siblings helped me get through that weekend but I still missed u like I do everyday. I look at the ultrasound pictures of u that I have hanging on the wall and dream about the baby you would have become. I wish I would have gotten to experience everything with you that I am experiencing with your sibling. I missed feeling you kick and turn inside me. I missed the special time we would have gotten to spend together while you were inside me and then when you were born. I missed just being pregnant with you for a whole nine months. I'm glad I got 11 weeks with you but I wish I could have had more. I know it sounds like a selfish mom but I am entitled. I had my baby taken from me before I got the chance to say hello. Watch over me my angel and have fun in heaven with everyone. I love and miss you everyday.

Your mommy

Due Date

To my precious angel,

Today was your due date. This is the day that I was supposed to be holding and cuddling you but God had different plans for you. I dreamed last night about the baby you would have been and what you would have looked like. I dreamed about you crying and doing all the things that babies do. How can a mother get through the day knowing that her angel was supposed to be born alive? I don't know how I did it but I did. You were on my mind all day. I miss you angel but I know that you are having fun in heaven. I just wish I would have been able to have you and know the person I am proud of. Everytime I felt your sister kick inside me, my thoughts went to you. I wanted to give birth to you and be able to bring you home but that didn't happen. I hope you know how much I love and miss you angel. Have fun in heaven and watch over me. I love and miss you angel.

Your mommy

6 months

To my angel

I can't believe that it has been half a year since we said goodbye. This was also supposed to be the month you were supposed to be born so mommy isn't having a good month. I love and miss you more each day my angel. There isn't a day that I don't think about the person you were supposed to become and wish you could still be here. I know your having fun in heaven and getting spoiled. Look down on mommy this month please I need it.

Love you and miss you angel
mommy

5 months

My dearest Kennedy

Where does the time go when a parent loses a child? It seems like it stood still but yet it goes on. I can't believe we are at 5 months since I had to say goodbye to my precious angel. I miss you everyday angel but I know that you are having a blast with all of our family members in heaven. I wish I had carried you to next month and given birth to you. Next month is going to be my hardest because it is your due month. I still dream about the person you would have become and it hurts. Have fun in heaven my angel and don't forget to look down on mommy once in a while.

Your mommy

4 months

Dear Kennedy,

I can't believe that it has been four months since you left my belly and went to heaven to be an angel. I miss and love you everyday my angel but I know that you are having a blast up there with everyone that passed before you. I still think about what it would be like if you were still in me and I was feeling you kick me everyday. Even though you have a brother or sister on the way, I still wish I could have met you and watched you grow up. Have fun up there my angel. We love and miss you.

Your mommy

3 months

Kennedy,

I can't believe it has been three months already since you were in my tummy. I miss and love you everyday angel and hope you are getting spoiled up there by all the family. I still wish you were kicking and moving around in me instead of in heaven. I still dream about the person you would have become and wanted so bad to see that person. You still make me proud to be your mommy even though you are in heaven. Most moms can't say they have an angel watching down on them but I can and I do with pride. Give everyone my love angel and keep looking down on us. We love and miss you angel.

Your mommy

Dear Kennedy

To my angel Kennedy in heaven,

I miss and love you angel. There isn't a day that goes by that your not on my mind. Daddy and I are expecting our rainbow baby which is due in February. You won't be forgotten angel. I know that you are having fun in heaven and I will see you some day. I still wish I could have gotten to know you here on earth but at least I can say I have an angel looking over me. You were my fourth baby and always will be my fourth angel. Another baby will not change that fact that I carried you even if it was a short while. When I saw the ultrasound today it took me back to your seven week ultrasound when I heard your heartbeat for the only time. The ultrasounds are different. I have yours proudly displayed in my home on the wall with your siblings. We love and miss you angel. Have fun in heaven.

Your mommy

Two months

Dear Angel in heaven,

I can't believe its been two months since you left my tummy and into the hands of god. I still miss you everyday my angel. I still find it hard to look at pregnant bellies knowing that I used to have one. I will never know why you had to leave but I wish I at least had an answer. I still dream of what it would be like meeting you in October alive and healthy but I guess that dream will have to be a mystery forever. On the day of your two months, it was a sad and happy day for mommy. It was also your brothers seventh birthday so I had a happy face on while hurting inside. I wish you were still in my tummy kicking me and keeping me up all night. I know you are having fun up there in heaven but just remember to look down on mommy from time to time. I need it my angel. I love you and miss you more and more everyday angel.

Your mommy

memorial day

To my angel,

I know that memorial day is supposed to be for our veterans but I can't help missing and thinking about you on this day. I love and miss u everyday my angel. There isn't a minute that doesn't go by that your not on my mind. I wish you were still in my belly, kicking and moving around so I can feel you. I still can't deal with seeing pregnant ladies and wish I was joining them. It hurts baby. I didn't think losing someone that I never got to meet but loved so much would hurt but it does. I dream about the person you would have become and how proud of you I would have been. I'm proud of you now, I just wish that I would have you to show off in October. I know you are having a good time up there my angel. Mommy loves you and misses you.

Your mommy

What does a mother say?

When I took the carseat/stroller back to Walmart today, I couldn't find the words to say why I was returning it. All I could think about was that I shouldn't be returning it, I should be using it in October but all I could say was I don't want to return it, I'd rather use it in October. Returning it means that the whole thing is real and I won't be bringing a baby home in October. It took me six weeks after the d and c to return it because I didn't want to face it or the reality of it. All I could do was cry because it meant that my baby really has gone to heaven instead of in my belly and then arms when it was time. How can a mother that loves her baby return an item that was supposed to be for that baby feel anything but grief and sad? The only thing I didn't return that I have bought was bottles and receiving blanket and of course the baby book. I knew I couldn't part with everything, I needed a little bit of hope that I will be able to use the bottles and receiving blankets. I love you and miss you my angel. I wish you were in my tummy kicking me instead of in heaven watching over me. It was hard to return your carseat/stroller today but mommy made it through. I'm sure your having fun and being spoiled up there. I love and miss you my angel.

Mothers day 2012

Dear Mr. Hallmark,
I am writing to you from heaven,and though it must appear
A rather strange idea, I see everything from here.
I just popped in to visit, your stores to find a card
A card of love for my mother, as this day for her is hard.
There must be some mistake I thought,I saw every card you could imagine
Except I could not find a card, from a child who lives in heaven.
She is still a mother too, no matter where I reside
I had to leave, she understands, but oh the tears she’s cried.
I thought that if I wrote you, that you would come to know
That though I live in heaven now, I still love my mother so.
She talks with me, and dreams with me; we still share laughter too,
Memories are our way of speaking now, would you see what you could do?
My mother carries me in her heart, her tears she hides from sight.
She writes poems to honor me, sometimes far into the night
She plants flowers in my garden, there my living memory dwells
She writes to other grieving parents, trying to ease their pain as well.
So you see Mr.Hallmark, though I no longer live on earth
I must find a way to remind her of her wondrous worth.
She needs to be honored, and remembered too
Just as the children of earth will do.
Thank you Mr.Hallmark, I know you’ll do your best
I have done all I can do; to you I’ll leave the rest.
Find a way to tell her, how much she means to me
Until I can do it for myself, when she joins me in eternity.

To my angel, I love and miss you everyday. Look down on me from time to time.
Your mommy 

one month

To my precious angel in heaven,

I can't believe it has been one month since I learned that you passed inside me. I wish I was still pregnant with you and feeling you move and kick. I miss you and love you my angel. There isn't a minute that goes by that I don't think about you. I think about what it would have been like to have you in October and see if you would have been a boy or girl. I think about what type of person you would have become because I know I would have been proud of whatever you picked. Today was hard because it doenst feel like it should be a month when I heard the five most awful words any mother should have to hear. I hated seeing all the pregnant bellies today and there was alot. It seemed like everyone was flauting their bellies in my face and it hurt so much my angel. I don't know what you are doing up there but I'm sure your having a blast with all of the family members up there. Give them my love and remember baby I love and miss you. I wish I was meeting you alive and healthy in October but apparently God needed you more than I did. I don't agree with it but I'm glad he gave me an angel to watch over me. There will always been a hole in my heart for you. I love and miss you my angel.

Your mommy

Hello and Goodybe in one day

How can a mother that never got the chance to feel her baby move inside her because she wasn't far enough along say hello and goodbye in the same day? On April 6 I had a D and C done so I can start the healing process and continue to morn the loss of my baby. I knew since Tuesday that we had lost him/her and I was devastated. I cried everyday, couldn't go to work, and had to endure today. When I was getting ready this morning all I could do was cry because I knew that I was going to no longer be pregnant and it was hurting. I didn't want to say goodbye too soon. After the surgery I never even got to see the baby since I was only 9 weeks when it passed. I said goodbye in my heart knowing that I will one day see the baby I never go to meet. I cried after the surgery and as they were taking me to the room because I knew what it meant. I remember telling the nurses I shouldn't be here, I should be delivering a live, healthy baby in October but I wasn't. To my angel in heaven, mommy misses u so much and loves u. I loved you from the day I found out about you. The pain will never go away but I know that I will be fine. I hope you are having fun up there with your grandpa, uncle, and grandmas since they are spoiling you. I love you and miss you my angel.

Where is my normal?

I can't seem to get back to normal. I cry every time I see a pregnant belly and they are everywhere. I hate when people tell me it happened for a reason or you can try again, your strong. I'm not as strong as they think I am because I can't stand the sight of a pregnant lady. I know that people are only trying to make me feel better but you don't tell a grieving mother that it happened for a reason. My children are supposed to outlive me not me outlive them. My baby didn't even get a chance at life so don't go telling me it happend for a reason. I don't believe that. I'm so mad at my body for failing me and mad at myself for not knowing my baby was in trouble. How can a mother not know there is something wrong with their baby? I can't bring myself to take the baby stuff I have bought back because I have hope that I will have a live baby again. I love you and miss you so much angel that my heart hurts everyday. I know you are having a blast up there with your grandpa and other family members but mommy is hurting down here. I wish you were in my belly kicking and moving so I can feel it. There is a whole in my heart for you angel and it will always be there. I can't believe it has been two weeks since I had to say goodbye. I didn't want to say goodbye, I wanted to say hello in October. Mommy needs you to help me heal angel. You will always be missed and loved. Rest in peace my angel. Mommy loves and misses you.

when does it end?

I had my wic appoitment after my d and c and I wanted to cry even though I did. Everywhere I looked someone was pregnant. When I got into the room to talk to the wic ladies, all I could do was cry because everyone was happy and here I sit devasted and heartbroken. How can I go on with life knowing that one of my precious babies didn't get the chance at life? I somehow get through the day but I don't know how, inside I'm an emotional wreck. What does one say when they ask how I'm feeling? I want to say I'm a nervous wreck instead of okay. How can a mother be okay after hearing the most awful words I'm not getting a heartbeat, it isn't easy. I feel like I'm in a different world from the real world I was in before I heard the awful words. I'm so mad at my body for failing me. I don't know what to do anymore. To my angel in heaven, I hope your having a blast baby. Mommy loves and misses you everyday and wishes you were still in my stomach. I should be fourteen weeks tomorrow and feeling you move but all I feel is a big hole in my heart that won't heal. I'll see you one day my precious angel. Keep looking down on me and help mommy through the days. I love you angel and miss you.

Really?

Why does it seam like everyone is flaunting their pregnant bellies in my face? Everytime I see one I cry because I wish I was still pregnant. It has been a week since you left my belly and everyday I miss u so much. I should be 13 weeks which is the start of the fourth month. I should be feeling you move in about a week or two instead of having an empty hole in my heart. I'm happy for the mothers to be but sad at the same time because I was a proud mother to be. I will miss feeling your baby book out and watching all of the milestones that you would have went through. Have fun my precious baby and remember that I love and miss u and always will.

no longer mommy to be

To my fourth miracle,

Even though I never got to feel you move or carry you to term, from the moment I found out about you I was happy. I heard your heartbeat at 7 weeks for the first and only time and it was a great sound to hear. I don't know why you stopped growing two weeks later and yet I sit here heartbroken and full of questions. I wish you could have made it to full term so I could be meeting a wonderful miracle but I am thankful for the 9 weeks you were alive in me. I will miss you teribbly and wish everyday that you were still in my tummy. I know Oct. 18 is a long way off but I am dreading that day because I know that you were supposed to be born that day alive and healthy. I don't even know if you were a boy or girl but I do know that you would have been a great addition to the family. Your brothers and sister were so excited when I told them. I love you my fourth miracle and will miss u.

Your mommy

confused and hurting

How can one feel when the doctor does an ultrasound at 11 weeks and gets no heartbeat or movement but found one at 7 weeks? I am so confused right now and hurting because I don't know what is going on or if the baby is even alive. I am three wonderful children and have never miscarried. I'm lost, hurt, and heartbroken especially if they don't find a heartbeat tomorrow. How can someone get over losing a baby you never got to meet except through ultrasound? No mother should have to hear those words I'm not getting hearbeat. Why did my body fail me and this baby? I really hope tomorrow I can write again but only with wonderful news such as they found a heartbeat and it was only hiding the other day. I don't know what to think or do.