Hello and Goodybe in one day

How can a mother that never got the chance to feel her baby move inside her because she wasn't far enough along say hello and goodbye in the same day? On April 6 I had a D and C done so I can start the healing process and continue to morn the loss of my baby. I knew since Tuesday that we had lost him/her and I was devastated. I cried everyday, couldn't go to work, and had to endure today. When I was getting ready this morning all I could do was cry because I knew that I was going to no longer be pregnant and it was hurting. I didn't want to say goodbye too soon. After the surgery I never even got to see the baby since I was only 9 weeks when it passed. I said goodbye in my heart knowing that I will one day see the baby I never go to meet. I cried after the surgery and as they were taking me to the room because I knew what it meant. I remember telling the nurses I shouldn't be here, I should be delivering a live, healthy baby in October but I wasn't. To my angel in heaven, mommy misses u so much and loves u. I loved you from the day I found out about you. The pain will never go away but I know that I will be fine. I hope you are having fun up there with your grandpa, uncle, and grandmas since they are spoiling you. I love you and miss you my angel.

Where is my normal?

I can't seem to get back to normal. I cry every time I see a pregnant belly and they are everywhere. I hate when people tell me it happened for a reason or you can try again, your strong. I'm not as strong as they think I am because I can't stand the sight of a pregnant lady. I know that people are only trying to make me feel better but you don't tell a grieving mother that it happened for a reason. My children are supposed to outlive me not me outlive them. My baby didn't even get a chance at life so don't go telling me it happend for a reason. I don't believe that. I'm so mad at my body for failing me and mad at myself for not knowing my baby was in trouble. How can a mother not know there is something wrong with their baby? I can't bring myself to take the baby stuff I have bought back because I have hope that I will have a live baby again. I love you and miss you so much angel that my heart hurts everyday. I know you are having a blast up there with your grandpa and other family members but mommy is hurting down here. I wish you were in my belly kicking and moving so I can feel it. There is a whole in my heart for you angel and it will always be there. I can't believe it has been two weeks since I had to say goodbye. I didn't want to say goodbye, I wanted to say hello in October. Mommy needs you to help me heal angel. You will always be missed and loved. Rest in peace my angel. Mommy loves and misses you.

when does it end?

I had my wic appoitment after my d and c and I wanted to cry even though I did. Everywhere I looked someone was pregnant. When I got into the room to talk to the wic ladies, all I could do was cry because everyone was happy and here I sit devasted and heartbroken. How can I go on with life knowing that one of my precious babies didn't get the chance at life? I somehow get through the day but I don't know how, inside I'm an emotional wreck. What does one say when they ask how I'm feeling? I want to say I'm a nervous wreck instead of okay. How can a mother be okay after hearing the most awful words I'm not getting a heartbeat, it isn't easy. I feel like I'm in a different world from the real world I was in before I heard the awful words. I'm so mad at my body for failing me. I don't know what to do anymore. To my angel in heaven, I hope your having a blast baby. Mommy loves and misses you everyday and wishes you were still in my stomach. I should be fourteen weeks tomorrow and feeling you move but all I feel is a big hole in my heart that won't heal. I'll see you one day my precious angel. Keep looking down on me and help mommy through the days. I love you angel and miss you.

Really?

Why does it seam like everyone is flaunting their pregnant bellies in my face? Everytime I see one I cry because I wish I was still pregnant. It has been a week since you left my belly and everyday I miss u so much. I should be 13 weeks which is the start of the fourth month. I should be feeling you move in about a week or two instead of having an empty hole in my heart. I'm happy for the mothers to be but sad at the same time because I was a proud mother to be. I will miss feeling your baby book out and watching all of the milestones that you would have went through. Have fun my precious baby and remember that I love and miss u and always will.

no longer mommy to be

To my fourth miracle,

Even though I never got to feel you move or carry you to term, from the moment I found out about you I was happy. I heard your heartbeat at 7 weeks for the first and only time and it was a great sound to hear. I don't know why you stopped growing two weeks later and yet I sit here heartbroken and full of questions. I wish you could have made it to full term so I could be meeting a wonderful miracle but I am thankful for the 9 weeks you were alive in me. I will miss you teribbly and wish everyday that you were still in my tummy. I know Oct. 18 is a long way off but I am dreading that day because I know that you were supposed to be born that day alive and healthy. I don't even know if you were a boy or girl but I do know that you would have been a great addition to the family. Your brothers and sister were so excited when I told them. I love you my fourth miracle and will miss u.

Your mommy

confused and hurting

How can one feel when the doctor does an ultrasound at 11 weeks and gets no heartbeat or movement but found one at 7 weeks? I am so confused right now and hurting because I don't know what is going on or if the baby is even alive. I am three wonderful children and have never miscarried. I'm lost, hurt, and heartbroken especially if they don't find a heartbeat tomorrow. How can someone get over losing a baby you never got to meet except through ultrasound? No mother should have to hear those words I'm not getting hearbeat. Why did my body fail me and this baby? I really hope tomorrow I can write again but only with wonderful news such as they found a heartbeat and it was only hiding the other day. I don't know what to think or do.