What does a mother say?

When I took the carseat/stroller back to Walmart today, I couldn't find the words to say why I was returning it. All I could think about was that I shouldn't be returning it, I should be using it in October but all I could say was I don't want to return it, I'd rather use it in October. Returning it means that the whole thing is real and I won't be bringing a baby home in October. It took me six weeks after the d and c to return it because I didn't want to face it or the reality of it. All I could do was cry because it meant that my baby really has gone to heaven instead of in my belly and then arms when it was time. How can a mother that loves her baby return an item that was supposed to be for that baby feel anything but grief and sad? The only thing I didn't return that I have bought was bottles and receiving blanket and of course the baby book. I knew I couldn't part with everything, I needed a little bit of hope that I will be able to use the bottles and receiving blankets. I love you and miss you my angel. I wish you were in my tummy kicking me instead of in heaven watching over me. It was hard to return your carseat/stroller today but mommy made it through. I'm sure your having fun and being spoiled up there. I love and miss you my angel.